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: Dear Infatuation

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[21 Sep 2003|07:54pm]
iloveyourtrauma (7:49:29 PM): who is this
cusewi (7:49:39 PM): matt
iloveyourtrauma (7:50:05 PM): for soem reason i have you on my buddy list and i have no idea why
cusewi (7:50:27 PM): do you have a pic
iloveyourtrauma (7:50:40 PM): can you connect?
cusewi wants to directly connect (7:51:00 PM).
cusewi (7:51:02 PM): yea
cusewi is now directly connected (7:51:06 PM).
iloveyourtrauma (7:51:21 PM):

cusewi (7:51:34 PM): i dont know
cusewi (7:51:36 PM): i am not gay
iloveyourtrauma (7:51:37 PM): wuh oh!
cusewi direct connection is closed (7:51:37 PM).
1 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[21 Sep 2003|10:34am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

steve and i saw the magdalene sisters at the manlius art theatre last nite. and then we decided that manlius is the creepiest, weirdest place we've ever been to. we drove around there freaked out at how scary everything looked at nite and we've decided to go back today during the daytime to make sure it's not quite so creepy. AFTER WE GO TO THE ZOO.

1 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

omg!@#%$! look what steve got me. [18 Sep 2003|11:35pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

oh, eloise, eloise.

"here's the thing of it...i have a dog who looks like a cat."
"here's what i like to do: imagine."
"toeshoes make great ear muffs."

amazing. #895 of 1,000 made.

1 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

the airplane and new haircut. [18 Sep 2003|04:16pm]
2 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

please contribute to our fund. [18 Sep 2003|01:34am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

i'm thinking of staying in syracuse.

i hate this town altogether, honestly. the way it's decaying and dirty ... the way nothing new is ever being built. the way everyone is either ghetto or has a horrible accent. but there's one thing i love .. something that'll keep me here after this one year is over. i love the people here. so so so so so much.

i love how i go to work and jeff and dan and steve and demetra and adam stop by all in one day sometimes. i love how steve is here. period. that's enough said about that - he makes syracuse worth it no matter what. and then there's adam, whom i feel like i've made an amazing friend out of. if i stay here, adam said he'd want to live w/ me and steve. so it'd be the 3 of us living together and i can't think of 2 people i'd rather live with. when i first met adam i told micha that i felt like i was suppossed to meet him - like i felt like i needed to get to know him better. and i was so right. he's made me feel like i met another amazing friend outside of steve (and all on my own). so when he walks into my work with a giant sunflower behind his back that he got for me at the flower shop on his way to see me, it makes me feel like i'm in someone's thoughts. it's good to feel like i have friends. it's so good to finally feel that.

i could never take steve away from the friends he has who love him. i know that no matter how badly i wanted to get out of syracuse, i dont' want it enough to take him away from them. and to tell anyone the truth, i don't want to leave those friends behind either. i love genuinely getting along with all of his friends that i meet, and i love the ones i've made on my own. demetra and adam and micha and erica and fern are amazing. i love the people i'm slowly meeting through steve and on my own, too. i'm finally feeling like i have a strong support system. and like my mom said, it matters who you have by you, not where you are that'll make you happy. and she's so right.

i'm also heavily looking into starting a vet tech/vet assistant program in the winter. it'll probably take me through the summer to get through it, but once i do, i can work here in NY as a vet tech at just about any hospital/clinic i want to work in and i can start at a good salary with benefits. steve and i are considering doing the program together, which would be AMAZING. he and i both love animals more than anyone i've ever met. when i feel down i go to as many pet stores as i can. we went tonite and saw these AMAZING kittens and bunnies. but we're both keeping piggy banks at our seperate houses to put spare change in for the sugar glider fund.

if you'd like to contribute to that sugar glider fund, let me know and you can come over and play with our flying squirrel/flying marsupial.

ohhhh tomorrow's the day off. finding a bank here and making 2 accounts, faxing my mom hospital bills, hanging out with steve (maybe a new pet store?), and then out to eat dinner with adam probably... all after sleeping in for as lonnnnng as i want.

in see-through obscurity

...and i wonder if anyone feels the way i feel... [14 Sep 2003|11:04pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

.yawn.yawn.yawn.

so the week began with the pneumonia scare = no work. i sat around in bed and watched movies and played with my cats and did returns and cleaned the apartment.

wednesday night steve and i flew to atlanta. we played cards on the plane and were amazed that they now give you your entire can of soda instead of just a few swallows worth. then steve met my mom, who was amazing for most of the time i was there but pulled out her usual mom routine (the one i remembered the second it started happening) and the last day or so of the 3 day atlanta trip was a bit botched. she's out of my finances now, and what should have been my college fund is paying for my rent now. so she really has no say anymore. i got a new winter coat that steve's promising will keep me warm. and steve gained 5 pounds while he was in atlanta thanks to mexican restaurants and harmony.

and now we're back in syracuse. hate to say i'm thankful, but i am. before we took the vacation to atlanta, i was thinking i was wanting to move back there at the end of this year. i was still thinking that for the first night we were there. by daylight of the second say, i realized that i hated that town for all 13 years i lived there. the area is nice, the apartments and houses are gorgeous, and the crime is low, but the place and most of the people in it sucks a lot. i never found anything that made me even close to happy there. so ... i'm not going back. i'll go back to visit my family, but atlanta isn't a place i'm going to move back to.

i'm also not sure if mary and i are willing to live with eachother again after this year. as it is, i just walked in the door, ushered my cats in, and shut the door without saying anything to her.

steve and i realized tonite that we've spent the majority of every day together since i moved here. besides the possibly 2 or 3 days we haven't seen eachother, we've been in eachother's company for almost the entire time i've lived in syracuse. the 10 days mary spent in georgia while steve lived here in the apartment with me were the best 10 days since i got here. we have similar eating habits, sleeping habits, etc habits. we coexist really well together. we've been talking a lot about living with eachother by the end of this year. i talked to my mom about it and she says i'm on my own, so i live w/ whomever i choose to live with. i think steve's a great choice. we realize there's a chance we won't be together at the end of this year, and if that's what happens, we'll deal with that. for now i love that kid more than i've ever loved anyone and i've never been in a relationship that functions as well as this one does. for now it looks like there's the chance that we'll be roommates come june 2004.

and we're compromising possibly with raleigh or chapel hill, north carolina.

2 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

i want a flying marsupial named mogwai. [09 Sep 2003|03:46pm]
[ mood | drained ]

if i don't stop getting sick, i'm going to die in syracuse.

so it's not just pneumonia or bronchitis now, it seems to be a cold on top of all of that. mary and i both nap all day long and then eat. and then go back to sleep. i drink green jasmine tea with honey in it all day long and take about 8 billion bathroom breaks. i've been watching lifetime movies all day.

leave for atlanta at about 3:30 tomorrow. i'll get there around 7 at nite. then going to harmony to eat dinner w/ my mom. she keeps asking what steve eats for breakfast.

yesterday, b/c i haven't worked all week, we went to a petstore that has sugar gliders and degus and all kinds of weird animals. we wanted the sugar glider, but found out they're illegal in georgia. so that's a no go. pretty disappointing. i want a flying marsupial.

we also found a stray cat that lives outside of my dr's office that we want to transport to steve's yard. we're naming him atticus finch. i'm gonna drop by the office to see if i can find him today. that's the only time i'm planning on leaving this house. and then i will rest all nite tonite and again for half the day tomorrow before going home to see my mommy.

this entire apartment smells like 'crisp linen' lysol. bleh.

7 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[07 Sep 2003|10:27pm]
[ mood | drained ]

so this is what sunday is reduced to:

1. a saturday night of steve and i making a sleepytime trio shirt, which he modeled for me this morning.
2. us laying in bed while i have pneumonia. and him probably catching it. nice to have that caught on .. film? digital image? i don't know. but i'm betting he's sick now too.
3. atreyu showing off his teeth in a minor growl.
4. me starring at the picture of how i want to get my hair cut on friday while i'm home. i don't know if i can pull that off. and i don't know if i can pull it off w/ my hair a medium brown or if i need to dye it a soft black when i get home.

steve drew me an amazing eloise picture last nite and it's up on my wall right now, alongside my "here's the thing of it... i have a dog who looks like a cat" poster. we found eloise dolls and stickers and pillboxes on ebay today too and i'm hurting for those.

we've been here for 2 months and we're already looking at atlanta apartments online. i know life will be really different there when i get back, but that's good. steve wants to move, too ... so we're looking at 3-bedrooms so we have enough space for everybody's everythings. i don't want him to leave his friends that he's got here ... they're so amazing. he's got such a good support network w/ really genuine friends who have been behind him for years and years. i'm doubtful that's there for him in atlanta. i know i never found that there. but if mary's there and he's there too, i've got all i need in atlanta.

8 hours of work tomorrow and tuesday then 4 on wednesday - then a nitetime flight to atlanta with steve. then harmony that night with my mom :)

4 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[04 Sep 2003|11:08am]
billy idol is now on my top 10 hate list.

he sung to a casino room full of 80's leftover permed women and did what looked like a workout routine up on stage.

THEN HE FELL DOWN. and held his neck for a while as if he had an injury.

that was the only thing that made it worth going.

he shoved women's faces into his crotch. he pulled at the neck of their shirts to look down onto their chest. he kissed like 3 random gross women on the front row. and his accent was so snarled that i couldn't hear a word he was saying.

i hope next time he falls it does some real damage.
2 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[02 Sep 2003|11:27pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

i have to admit i'm really glad to be 1,000 miles away from the drama, too. though i still feel like i have some friendships in atlanta, i found the real kind here. i found the kind where you know the kids would do absolutely anything for you and you'd do it too. i won't be here for any longer than a year, but i've already made incredibly lasting friendships here. and i've met the boy that i hope to have in my life forever. the one whose personality seems to mesh perfectly with mine. the one who never wanted any drama in his life - the one who accepts that people can have good motives and that things can get misconstrued and fucked up along the way.

i don't hate her. i don't even dislike her. i never will. i don't dislike anyone from atlanta at all. i wish all of those kids the best in the world and there are a few of them i still love with all my heart. i do feel sorry for her. i feel sorry that she can believe she's through having extreme mental issues. i hope she'll always be in the mindframe she's in right now. it's probably really healthy for her. i was pissed off by that IM because it just seemed like she was doing it to make herself feel better. the drama she caused was fucking unreal. and i find it hilarious that she'd say the drama in atlanta is down b/c i'm gone. i read that journal for the first time today since i moved here and i won't be reading it again. the past is the past and now i'm through with direct messages. you were a big part of my life at one point. you did a lot of good in my life, you were once a good friend to me, and now that time is over. if i ever pass you in the street i'll smile at you. you have always had good intentions deep down. you're not malicious and you're not fully in control of what all goes on around you. i am bitter about some things, and i may be for a while to come. but i learned from all of that, and you are your own person. you are a good friend to the right people. stay what you are. and i'll stay what i am. and we'll be perfect friends for other people. never hurt to try.

and steve ... i love you for spending 2 hours in michaels today with me and for reading a book on knitting. i love you for wanting to go see billy idol and for asking what our apartment would look like if we moved in together. i love your friends and i love that you've been a good friend to them for years and years ... and i see how much they love you and i know exactly why. after having a horrible day today, it was totally okay after i saw you. <3

tomorrow is work at 5:30am-12:15pm and then i'm having lunch with beautiful, amazing, adorable gay adam. and then i'm hanging out and knitting with steve (because it's getting cold here) and then we're going to the casino to see billy idol!!

i met the guys from styx at work the other day.

2 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

joe wears my underwear backwards. [01 Sep 2003|03:31pm]
[ mood | calm ]



so the weekend consisted of joe coming over to see steve and me somehow getting talked into shaving his ass since his sister had shaved his back. that's one of the most intimate ways to gain a friend that i've ever been a part of .. makes for a quick friendship. we went to happy endings and soundgarden with adam and some of his friends after that and had bubble tea and bought an air cd and a promise ring cd i used to have and a used pulp separations cd. i got up and went to work super early the next morning but then steve and joe and i went to rochester to hang out with bobby for the nite. his sister's neon made us all feel sick, and then we went to 4 or 5 record stores where steve found some good stuff he'd been looking for. we went to some diner and saw a middle eastern woman w/ the biggest chest i'd ever seen. and joe used the amazing phrase "if it's anything above a B, it's b-b-bye."

rochester was a good break. joe said it in his journal too, but i think it was a break away from syracuse that we all needed. steve and i slept together on the air mattress in the living room and i woke up to the sounds of joe flipping through a playboy featuring tiffany. the drive back to syracuse took no time at all and then steve and i spent about 2 and a half hours spending $100 in groceries in wegmans and then came home and made an amazing meditteranean tofu and couscous dinner. then joe came over again and we played video games and made steve a friendster profile.

he's already gotten 3 random messages from girls saying "whY D0 U n0t LiVe Cl0sEr 2 mE?! <333!!1!!" hot.

billy idol at the casino on wednesday. then just one week til steve and i are back in atlanta for a few days.

2 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[27 Aug 2003|11:11pm]

in see-through obscurity

it was one of those days like a birthday, only it wasn't a letdown. [26 Aug 2003|01:49am]
[ mood | awake ]



and ... introducing:

cecilia in black and white...



and sofia coppola in all black.

5 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[20 Aug 2003|12:17am]
[ mood | content ]



atreyu looking fatter than ever, me growling pre-puffy itching stage, and steve with his new haircut that i did during the daytime and not in the dark this time.

7 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[07 Aug 2003|10:44pm]
[ mood | content ]

somebody got his hair done robert smith style:


rawr!




at least daniel's eagerly awaiting my 3-day return to atlanta in september. and he's going to get huge hugs. and i think that's all. <3:

theshortfatkid (10:29:47 PM): can i make out with him
theshortfatkid (10:29:51 PM): and not have you get mad
theshortfatkid (10:29:56 PM): i smell a 3some
iloveyourtrauma (10:30:08 PM): haha dude you don't want a piece of me
theshortfatkid (10:31:24 PM): oh dont worry
theshortfatkid (10:31:34 PM): i have group sex more often than youd think
theshortfatkid (10:31:38 PM): and im serious
iloveyourtrauma (10:31:49 PM): haha WOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL WORTHY
theshortfatkid (10:32:57 PM): ha
theshortfatkid (10:33:01 PM): well not THAT often
theshortfatkid (10:33:17 PM): but id totally let you be on the other side of some guy i was fucking in the ass

YIKES! looks like steve's going to see a little more than just atlanta on his vacation. looks like he could be seeing this hot piece of ass:


if you're a gay boy in the atlanta area, snatch that boy up before i get there. and treat him right. and make out with him b/c i hear he's really good at that.

1 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[03 Aug 2003|12:16am]
4 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

[22 Jul 2003|11:01am]
[ mood | calm ]

pat benetar at the casino last nite was amazing.

steve could rest his elbow on the stage from the table where we were SITTING, watching old people nod their heads back and forth to 'love is a battlefield' and 'hit me with your best shot' .... she came over and smiled at us twice while she walked past and she was making people clap and steve was staring at the table and i had my hands in front of half my face and she bit her tongue w/ her teeth at me ... a half sticking your tongue out? i think she was just happy to have 2 people under the age of 40 in the audience.

2 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

<3 [21 Jul 2003|12:23am]
[ mood | loved ]

i can honestly say i'm really happy here.

and hearing (and seeing) him happy too is enough to make syracuse worth it.

4 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

someone got camera happy [14 Jul 2003|11:50pm]


"he'd walk her every day into a shady place"


25 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

...you want to slip on the skin of suffering... [13 Jul 2003|05:00pm]
[ mood | content ]

... "one day, i could not feel down anymore" ...


"i love you like a trampled flower's bruised flame"

2 die here beside you| in see-through obscurity

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